At the school where I grew up, only the popular girls started dating at a young age. There were many pretty, outgoing ones who even climbed the social ladder that way because they could. After all, at that age, physical appearance is valuable social currency.

Then, by senior year of high school, it seemed like even more people around me had started to date, girls and boys alike… not that many, now that I compare it to the amount of couples I know. But then again, the world is much bigger and much less incestuous than high school.

Growing up amongst boys, I was often the tomboy who resigned herself to the Buddy role, advising my friends’ potential suitors and watching my crushes win other girls’ hearts – ones whom they wanted.

I went off to college and left that world behind. However, along with me, I took my naiveté and preconceived notions of love and what it was to love. Then came the dating and learning about boys AND THEN, more than dating, actual relationships – the sorts that leave indelible marks on you, that become part of your baggage.

So, here’s a question for you – whether you started dating when you were 10, 13, 21… With whatever experience you have dating and / or being involved with another person romantically (through the entire spectrum of liking to loving them), what have you learned?

You can be as specific or as general as you want, but there’s a catch – try not to repeat points or have your points too closely related.

Mine… Here we go.

1. The Self – Your Self

I apologised to my first boyfriend a lot. For everything and anything, I always seemed to be excusing myself for something. (Not mistakes, just my insecurity hanging out its dirty laundry.)

And when we went on a break, I worked out like hell and hit the gym every day in my effort to “make him regret his decision to even suggest this”.  (I’m sure many of you have thought this at least once post-break-up. P.S. I strongly believe that closure is a thing in hindsight so don’t be so harsh on yourself about finding closure; it’ll happen when it happens.)

Oh yes. And every once in a while, I found myself asking, “Why do you like me?” (Not because I was trying to be cute and flirty, but because I genuinely wondered what he could possibly like about me. One guy I dated even chided, “Seriously, Sam? You’re really going to be a girl about this?”)

I’ve said this in some of my career posts and it applies to your personal life too – RECOGNISE YOUR SELF WORTH. Know your awesomeness but also acknowledge your shortcomings (related to #3). Anyone who makes you feel like a smaller person than you really are probably isn’t worth it. Even more so if you’re susceptible to letting that person make you feel that way.

It’s a pretty obvious fact but so many people often forget to check themselves and make sure they really are complete individuals before jumping into a relationship. And even if you aren’t (I mean, come on, we’re talking about Nirvana or Maslow’s 5th here.. and many of us aren’t that enlightened), knowing that it’s something you want to work on already puts you in the right direction to a healthy and sustainable relationship. Because that means you’re more likely to take responsibility for your decisions and recognise them as your own, and less likely to run around pointing fingers and being a disruptive twat.

2. Want vs. Need

Madly different things. A friend of mine cheated on her boyfriend not long ago, they broke-up, and she subsequently went through a phase of dating like there was no tomorrow.

Which is fine, if that’s what you want. However, I always advise that it’s valuable to spend time alone to figure things out. Most of us go through phases of mess (gawd knows I had mine), and sometimes we realise that during the mess; most times, after. But it’s important not to ignore what you might want in the long term… and more importantly, what you think you will need as individual.

(You don’t need to spend hours thinking about it but even as you read this now, challenge yourself to be introspective. And honest.)

So, here’s how you tell the difference between WANTS and NEEDS.

  • Wants are “nice to have”s.
  • Needs are “must have”s.

e.g. A significant other who respects me.

Guess which category this falls into? I guess that depends on the value you place on mutual respect. Or… you can mutually disrespect them… If that suits you. Your call.

Often, when I ask people, “What do you look for in a guy / girl?” I’d say I get 99.99% responses in terms of what they want. This is not to say that what they want is not ALSO what they need, but the difference is being conscious of the distinction.

The way I tend to structure my thoughts has led me down the path of this checklist: My 3 Levels of Attraction –

  • Physical
  • Mental
  • Emotional

Unless it’s an online meeting, the attraction probably runs in that order too as you progress from selection, to meeting and general conversation, to deeper sharing. I know that what I want falls into subcategories of Physical, and what I need falls into Mental and Emotional. But that’s just me.

3. Work Hard

Whoever wrote the fairy tale that told you love was easy, was telling the truth. Love IS easy. Falling in love is one of the easiest things to do if you let yourself.

However, relationships? Those are hard. Hard work.

Generally, the two are not so far removed from each other, as you would assume that if you love someone, you’d want to be with them.

However, there is all too often The Little Mermaid who loved with all her heart, with nothing in return. There’s been a lot of feminist critique about the Hans Christian Andersen story (not Disney’s version), surrounding the idea that she was a silly girl who gave everything for her prince, including her own life, in exchange for his happiness blablabla.

And yes, I’m sure we’ve all been through our own versions of one-sided loves, with thankfully, a much less dramatic ending. But that’s just love. And romantic love can essentially be one sided. And sacrificial. And poetic.

But being in a relationship? A mature relationship means knowing that you want to make it work because you want to be with that person, to grow with that person (companionship) – to use that SELF from #1 to grow with someone else, and the willingness to do anything to make it happen. The sacrifice here is logical. As logical as monogamy.

Absolutely zero poetry, 100% reality.

Sam

Next time: Why dating is like shopping.